I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
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Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah