can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I think this conversation is over.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.