Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
