I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
