My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
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