I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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