I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
