She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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