why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
