I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
