You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
