I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
