i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
