I am spending my child support on dildos
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
