I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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