your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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