Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
BRING THE BAGELS
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
