I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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