Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
