I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
