At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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