I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
