I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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