ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
