i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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