Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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