its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
40s are totally the cure
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
