We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
