yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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