apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
