I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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