i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i think i have two assholes
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
