I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
