I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
