if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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