Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
