highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
