why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
