I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
