Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
