peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
