So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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