just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
