I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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