Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
