I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
