her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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