remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
