You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
