So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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