I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
