I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
