Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
