I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
