Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
