It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
