I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
