ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
