Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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